I have often been asked to give tips on ways couples can avoid explosive arguments. Many partners want to be able to talk about difficult matters without the threat of misunderstanding and eventual cold war. Some couples have such toxic relationships that communication about anything AT ALL is an uphill challenge. With this in mind, I want to give you a few techniques to help smooth out those difficult conversations. I have shared these with my clients, and many of them have had positive results. So please give them a try and let me know how they work for you!
1. Start gently
Do you find that many of your discussions with your spouse end the way they begin? If you start off blaming and accusatory, you’re almost guaranteed to end up yelling and screaming or shutting down communication. As you can imagine, this is not beneficial! So why not try to start off gently? What do you have to lose? Do what you need to do beforehand to calm yourself down so that you can approach the conversation in a loving and accepting manner, seeking to preserve peace and unity in the relationship. How do you do this? Instead of lecturing or sounding harsh, use a soft tone, and stay away from blame or name calling. Try taking time to genuinely compliment your spouse and express appreciation to them. This really helps to get things off to a peaceful start.
2. If you mess up step 1, try again
As you already know, none of us is perfect! So we’re not always going to start off right. When you notice that the discussion is heading in an unhealthy direction, catch yourself and apologize, take a time out, or ask to start the discussion in a gentler way. Also, if your partner tries to cool down the blazing temperature in the room, take a step back from your anger and accept their peacemaking attempt. It will be worth it!
3. Calm yourself down and help soothe your spouse
If you’ve tried steps 2 and 3 and are still at each other’s throats, there is still hope for a peaceful resolution! Yes, I know this is hard to believe, but it’s true! Here are some simple suggestions - take a 15-20 minute break to pray, listen to music, journal, or exercise. While you take this time out, please don’t allow yourself to wallow in what your spouse said or did to upset you. Use this time to think loving, kind thoughts about them. Like Paul says in Philippians 4:8, meditate on the noble, pure, lovely and virtuous. Mulling over the bad stuff will just make you angrier, and that’s never helpful.
4. Find Common Ground
As my mother-in-law asked me early in my marriage, “Is it more important to be right or happy?” Look for things you agree on. Make your primary goal to preserve the peace in your marriage. Be lovingly considerate of your spouse’s needs, feelings and point of view, just like you want them to be of yours. Of course, this is easier said than done! But please try your best. Your relationship will benefit tremendously.
5. Accept your partner, faults and all
All of us want to be accepted for who we are, junk and all. Think about it. Don’t you prefer to hang around people who love you unconditionally rather than those who constantly criticize and nitpick? When we feel this kind of acceptance from our partner, especially in the midst of an intense discussion, we can relax and feel safe to do the right thing. Try to be understanding of your spouse’s background and personality, and you may find that you will have more compassion for them, and not take their faults so personally.
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